The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor for the most appropriate treatment.
My dream was always to be a mom and have a big family. It was something Jordan and I spoke about on our first date, and within a year of being together, we had moved in and decided to start trying.
Naively, we expected it to happen quickly.
As the months rolled by, we began to wonder if something was wrong. However, 15 months later and just as we were waiting for my first blood test appointment at the general practitioner, we found out that we were pregnant! We were ecstatic. Being pregnant was everything I’d dreamt of. Our son was born in October 2017, and it was hands down the best day of our lives. Minutes after he was born, I declared, “I want to do that again!”
We knew we wanted more children, so we never went back to using any contraception.
Three years went by, and we were still not pregnant again. So we were referred to a fertility clinic and after testing, we found out that our issue was male factor and that we would need to do intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). Again, we expected the process to be straightforward and easy.
Despite the doctors initially thinking I would over-respond to the medication, we got four fertilized eggs. We kept our fingers crossed and told ourselves that it only takes one. We managed to transfer one embryo, but unfortunately weren’t able to freeze any. Even though we were upset and disappointed, we put all our focus into the little embryo that did manage to get put back. Amazingly, this little embryo stuck and we were pregnant! I couldn’t believe that we were so lucky.
During our first scan, however, we found out that our baby had stopped growing: a missed miscarriage. What should have been one of the best moments turned into the worst. I will never forget that day. My body still absolutely believed it was pregnant, but our baby was no longer growing.
We had to wait another 10 days to have the loss confirmed. I went through every emotion possible—heartbroken to denial to hopeful to acceptance. I thought, “How was this fair? We had gone through so much for it to all just end now?”
I thought, “How was this fair? We had gone through so
much for it to all just end now?”
Four months later we decided we were ready to try again. We weren’t ready to give up just yet—not when we had gotten so close. This time around we got three fertilized eggs, and we managed to get one to transfer! But once again, none were frozen.
The two-week wait this time was horrendous. I couldn’t relax. I was overthinking every little symptom and ended up testing early at 6 days post transfer (6dpt).
I was heartbroken but knew it was early. By 7 days post transfer (7dpt), the first time around, I had an obvious positive so surely it will show then. I tested first thing in the morning.
I was distraught and spent the whole day in tears. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t even open the blinds. It felt like the miscarriage all over again. But I still couldn’t stop testing. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t actually at my official test day yet. Slowly but surely that second line started to appear. It was hard to believe in it. But it was there. There was a glimmer of hope.
Just as that hope was starting to appear, two days after my official test day, I started bleeding. Once again, I was a wreck.
From thinking I wasn’t pregnant, to realizing I was…to now potentially losing the baby?! I convinced myself I was having a chemical pregnancy. I had never bled in early pregnancy before so automatically thought the worst.
Nothing could be done other than to wait it out and hope it didn’t get worse. Thankfully it only lasted a few days and stayed light. But I still wasn’t convinced. The wait for our first scan at the clinic felt so long. I was already on high alert after how our first scan ended the last time. But with how unsure I was with this pregnancy, I felt on even higher alert.
Thankfully, a miracle happened and our first scan went perfectly. There was a baby there. A baby with a heartbeat. I’m now 26 weeks pregnant.
Pregnancy after loss and infertility has been so mentally challenging, but I’m finally beginning to enjoy it and believe that this is it—that this pregnancy will lead to bringing home another baby.