How to Support Your Friend Going Through Infertility | Fertility Out Loud

How to Support Your Friend Going Through Infertility

By Abbe Feder, Fertility Coach 

The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor, or a mental health professional, for the most appropriate treatment.

Infertility can be one of the most surprising and painful experiences individuals and couples face. With the exception of previously diagnosed medical conditions, rarely do people expect to encounter trouble when trying to do something generally considered the most natural and organic thing in the world. However, with any other painful life experience, if you haven’t been there, it’s difficult to fully understand. 

When trying to conceive becomes complicated and messy, the struggle can be lonely, isolating, anxiety ridden and deeply distressing. Therefore, offering support or advice to a loved one or close friend as they endure infertility, and subsequently infertility treatments, is no easy feat. 

The good news is, although there is no guidebook for those experiencing infertility, there is a general one for friends and family when offering your best support. As a well-meaning loved one, there are some basic ground rules to follow so that you can be the presence an aspiring parent needs during this challenging time.

Emotional Support: What NOT to Say & What TO Say Instead

To make it simple, the single most important ground rule is: less talking (and offering advice), and more listening. We know you likely want to help by finding “solutions” or “next steps,” or with the best of intentions, to change the uncomfortable feelings of disappointment and sadness into a glimmer of hope or positivity, but sometimes this isn’t what people need. Focusing most on compassionate listening, and largely staying away from results-oriented comments, will ensure that you are consistently saying and doing the “right thing.”

It’s tempting to say anything in this realm: “Just relax! That’s when it happens!” 

People struggling to conceive, undergoing infertility treatments such as IUI (intrauterine insemination) or IVF (in vitro fertilization), or mourning pregnancy loss are not going to relax, and they’re definitely not going to do so because you told them to. When you say “just relax” your loved one likely hears “it’s your fault this is happening, you’re too stressed out and too hyper-focused on it.” 

Instead, listen—that’s enough, truly. What your loved one needs from you is to feel that you’re there with them and for them, that you’re willing to hold a hand, lend an ear, be a shoulder to cry on, and become the support group they need. They do not need more unsolicited advice that they are most likely getting from many others. This may sound like: “Last time we spoke you were struggling to conceive/going through IVF/experiencing pregnancy loss. You may not want to talk about it at all right now, but I’ve been thinking of you and if you do want to talk, I am here to listen.”

It’s tempting to say: “My cousin’s best friend had like five rounds of IVF and they now have two perfect kids!”

This comment may be intended to offer hope, but in reality your loved one is going through their own unique journey, treatment options and pain. This comment could also promote low self-esteem and affect someone’s overall mental health and wellbeing by comparing them to others. Women’s health, and in general, everyone’s infertility and family building experience is different. There’s no logic in it, few parallels, and knowing that someone else had to endure the same emotional, financial, and physical hardships isn’t necessarily soothing in the moment. Sometimes hearing hopeful stories helps, but unless they are asked for, go back to: “Last time we spoke you were struggling to conceive/going through IVF. You may not want to talk about it at all right now, but I’ve been thinking of you and if you do want to talk, I am here to listen.” 

It is perhaps most tempting to say: nothing.

Please don’t say nothing at all. While yes, the general rule is talk less, listen more, saying nothing is probably at the top of the what NOT to do to support someone going through infertility list. The inclination to pretend infertility doesn’t exist can be strong. It can seem intensely private and feel awkward to address. It is also natural to walk on eggshells a bit with someone in such an ongoing vulnerable position. Perhaps you are nervous to bring up the issue just in case your loved one wasn’t even thinking about it at that moment and you don’t want to remind them. 

But if the struggle to conceive has been previously shared with you in any manner, not mentioning the treatment or the loss or the heartache feels like a lack of acknowledgment. If you don’t acknowledge your loved one, they don’t feel seen and they certainly don’t feel supported. A heard heart is a happy heart, so listen away.

One other important note: make sure to include a friend or family member going through infertility in events, even baby showers, while always acknowledging their situation and understanding they may not want to participate. And remember that some days are more triggering than others (think Mother’s Day), and that you can support them through those difficult times. A simple “I know this day might be especially hard for you and I’m thinking of you and here for you” can go a long way.

Gifts of Support: What and How to Give

It may seem strange to purchase a physical gift for someone struggling with emotional pain, but there are so many bespoke and treasured items out in the world now, especially those that have been carefully and lovingly created by others who’ve walked this road. There are items we would have wanted when we went through the struggle ourselves. 

Good Luck Charm

If a friend or loved one is struggling to conceive, or going through fertility treatments, consider getting them a “good luck charm.” This might be a specific fertility bead, gem or piece of jewelry, or just something you see that reminds you of them. You can also choose something that inspires what they’re looking for and will need along the way: a bracelet with the word “strength,” a ring with the word “breathe” or a necklace with the word “hope” could all provide a sense of grounding and empowerment as they move through the path ahead.

Plants

Plants symbolize growth—blooming, blossoming—and also serve as something to “take care of” while going through a fertility journey. They can serve as a great reminder that there are friends and family members around who love and support the aspiring parent, as well as inspire a sense of hopefulness about what’s to come.

(IN)fertility Cards of Love

During my own six-year infertility journey, I looked everywhere for the right words of encouragement, only to find that nothing encompassed what I needed at the moment. It’s why I created my own deck of infertility cards of love, a deck of affirmations and support as seen through the lens of what we feel to be in the trenches together. Additionally, each card is a work of art unto itself: Jamie Kushner Blicher, an artist and fellow infertility warrior, creates each unique design with paint using sterile IVF needles. 

Knot Average Macrame Box of Strength

This darling box includes a treasure trove of creations relevant to both infertility and pregnancy loss (think toxin-free rainbow candle, personalized card). It’s also a way to support another family dreaming of having a child. Each item in the box is handmade by an artist who is going through her own fertility journey. The money from each purchase goes towards helping cover costs that go towards her surrogacy journey. This is a beautiful way to show your support for both the person you love and to a stranger. 

Epsom Salt Soak 

Salt baths are my favorite form of self-care. Epsom salt soaks are such a simple way to take care of and send love to your person. There’s a wonderful ethos I grew up with of “Salt’s Cure” that refers to one of four ways to heal using various forms of salt:

  • Sweat
  • Cry
  • Ocean
  • Epsom Salt Bath

During my own IVF cycles, salt baths helped calm me down when I was going through treatment. Artificial scents can negatively impact fertility treatments, which is why I always suggest going with unscented salts. (Keep in mind there are certain times in your cycle when hot baths are NOT recommended, so keep it warm and always check with your doctor).

One important note: if you want to give a gift but don’t know what to say when you give it, I strongly believe from experience that honesty is the best policy. Something like “I don’t know the right words or the perfect thing to get you to show my support, but this felt good, and I thought you might love it too.”

How You Can Show Up by Checking In & Showing Up

One of the best ways you can support someone who is struggling to conceive is by asking questions. Not questions about the details of their treatment, but questions about how they will feel the most supported. These questions include, but are not limited to: 

  • How can I be most supportive? 
  • Do regular check-in texts/phone calls feel supportive or do they feel invasive? 
  • Do you want me to ask about the timing of things or wait for you to tell me? 

Be prepared for the answers to these questions to change over time, which means revisiting them. And do continue to check in. Something like “keep me posted” has now made a job for the patient. Living with infertility is a daily dose of loss and grief, and you can be there for your loved one by, once again, simply letting them know you care, and that you would love to talk about it together. Chances are, like most forms of grief, they’re already thinking about it all the time, so you’re not reminding them of the pain, you’re naming it and honoring it.

Infertility is anything but logical and linear. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Supporting a loved one who is traveling this turbulent terrain means there will be a learning curve. It is not about saying the perfect thing every time or being the perfect friend to meet this challenging moment right out of the gate. But if you remember that you do not need to try to fix your loved one’s medical, scientific, complicated, heartbreaking problem, and that you do need to do less talking and more listening, you are well on your way to securing your spot on the right side of history in this most important relationship.

Find more articles like this one on WeAreRobyn.co

Fertility Out Loud